Top 10 collections

Top 10 Things You Don't Want to Hear From a Surgeon…

1. "Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."
2. "Someone call the janitor -- we're going to need a mop."
3. "Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"
4. "Hand me that ... uh ... that uh ... thingie."
5. "Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"
6. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em."
7. "What's this doing here?"
8. "I hate it when they're missing stuff in here."
9. "Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all."
10. "Anyone see where I left that scalpel? Never mind. I think this is sharp enough."

 

Top 10 Actual Newspaper Headlines…

1. March Planned For Next August
2. Patient At Death's Door--Doctors Pull Him Through
3. Diaper Market Bottoms Out
4. Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy
5. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
6. Half of U.S. High Schools Require Some Study for Graduation
7. Defendants Speech Ends in Long Sentence
8. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
9. Collegians are Turning to Vegetables
10. Hershey Bars Protest

 

Top 10 Lessons I Learned From Noah's Ark…

1. Don't miss the boat.
2. Remember that we are all in the same boat.
3. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
4. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old someone may ask you to do something really big.
5. Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
6. Build your future on high ground.
7. For safety's sake travel in pairs.
8. Speed isn't everything. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
9. When you're stressed, float awhile.
10. Remember the Ark was built by amateurs, the Titanic by professionals.

 

Top 10 Actual Label Instructions on Consumer Goods…

1. On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping."
2. On a bag of Fritos: "You could be winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
3. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."
4. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down."
5. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."
6. On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."
7. On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."
8. On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts."
9. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: open packet, eat nuts."
10. On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

 

Top 10 Things a Mom Doesn't Want to Hear...

1. "I swallowed a goldfish."
2. "Your lipstick works better than crayons."
3. "Does grape juice leave a stain?"
4. "The principal called..."
5. "But DAD says that word all the time."
6. "What's it cost to fix a window?"
7. "Has anyone seen my earthworms?"
8. "I painted your shoes pretty, huh Mommy?"
9. "The dog doesn't like dressing up in your clothes."
10. "I need some space."

 

Top 10 Rules of Procrastination...

1. I believe that if anything were worth doing, it would have been done already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the bodily injury I expect to receive from missing them.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for a reprieve from my obligations.
6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
7. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
8. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
9. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
10. I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

 

Top 10 Murphy's Laws...

1. The authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
2. It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
3. Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
4. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
5. The more garbage you put up with, the more garbage you are going to get.
6. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
7. Following the rules will not get the job done.
8. Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
9. When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it by saying, "How would Batman handle this?"
10. The last person that quit or was fired will be blamed for everything that goes wrong for at least a year.

 

Top 10 Ways You Know You've Had Too Much Coffee...

1. You can type sixty words a minute...with your feet.
2. Instant coffee takes too long.
3. You chew on other people's fingernails.
4. You answer the door...before people knock.
5. You sleep with your eyes open.
6. You go to sleep, just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
7. You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
8. You're the employee of the month at Starbucks and you don't even work there.
9. You lick your coffeepot clean.
10. You have a picture of your coffee mug, on your coffee mug!

Top 10 Signs That You're Getting Older...

1. Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

2. People call at 9 pm and ask, "Did I wake you?"
3. Your children begin to look middle aged.
4. You look forward to a dull evening.
5. Your favorite part of the newspaper is "20 Years Ago Today."
6. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
7. Your knees buckle, and your belt won't.
8. You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
9. You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
10. You would rather go to work than stay home sick.